Trying to figure myself out

          Have you ever asked yourself what you really want to do with your life and who you really want to be? Don’t get me wrong, I have a profession. I am a licensed teacher here in Thailand. However, that isn’t my real profession, and even my “real” profession isn’t something that I really want to do! Confusing isn’t it? But that’s how it is, I still can’t figure out what I really want to do with my life.

             Before I entered university, I never had a clear path of where I am actually going so I ended up taking whatever is in demand during that time, it was either nursing or HRM (Hotel and restaurant management). I had to choose between those two and since there so many nursing students, I chose HRM instead because “I thought” that I would do well in this field because I love cooking! And since we can’t afford culinary arts this is the closest that I can get. 

            While studying, I bumped into someone who introduced me to the world of business, I got so motivated and “I thought” to myself, “this is it! this is what I really want! this will make me rich!” So I stopped going to school and focused on my so called business. But then I started thinking again, why do I have to be rich? Why do I have to motivate myself to obtain a car? To buy a house? To earn millions? All the worldly things? Do I have the right motivation to keep going? Before I know it, I stopped doing what I am doing.

After a year, I went back to school to finish my degree.

         I graduated college and got hired at a restaurant where I did my internship, but then my brain started to “think” once more and it made me feel miserable, “why am I serving food like a servant? Why am I cleaning the tables? I studied 4 years to be a slave? This is not what I want! This is not what I’m supposed to be!” 

So, I stopped doing what I am doing once more and applied for another job. 

            I was hired at another restaurant as a sales and marketing manager and service manager at the same time, sounds fancy hey? It used to be my pride having that position at a young age. I was doing well, I was earning more than what I used to, I was working with awesome people. It was an amazing experience but then things happened, my brain who loves to “think” started doing what it loves doing, and so you guessed it right! I left my job once more. 

            I flew out of my country to become a teacher in the “land of smiles”. My brain had never once thought that I would become a teacher, I have never dreamed about it and it’s not even in my options. I know I’d hate it and just the idea of it makes me cringe, but for once, my brain started to “think” that I should not do the things that I have done multiple times in the past and that is “to quit” (well done brain). 

           Since then I never left and I am not yet thinking about leaving, not because “I like it” but more so “I don’t hate it that much because it’s convenient ”, “I am trying to be an adult” and “it’s fulfilling” kind of thing.

I know the fact that It’s not what I really want to  do. 

            Sometimes, I would go and watch YouTube and see some makeup gurus and my brain would tell me “you can do that too!”, or I would watch photography videos and see some amazing photos and my brain would be like “you can do that too!”, or see an artist do some painting and my brain goes “ your paintings are waaay better!” or watch a cooking show and my brain’s like “you can cook too!” And I’m  like “Geez!! Brain please!! I know you’re very supportive but please make up your mind!!! (if that makes sense hahahahaha #brainseption)” 

              Honestly, there are so many things that I enjoy doing that’s why I don’t know what to do anymore 😂😂😂. 

I just hope that one day I (my brain 😒) will be able to figure out the path that I should take. 

The things that I have learned about my experiences are of course, “never quit”, “be consistent” and “focus on one thing at a time”.

Just as what they say “you can have it all, you just can’t have it all at once”.